He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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