Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
