If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
