What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
