Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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