I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize