So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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