i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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