I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
