addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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