I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
