Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
don't judge my taste in strippers
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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