I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
where are my eyebrows?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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