No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
