bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
