I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
