you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
