its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i would punch a child for taco bell
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
