Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
