Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
