Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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