I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
