So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
