if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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