I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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