Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
