remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
