Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
