It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
