I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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