we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
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