I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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