She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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