You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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