I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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