shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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