That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
