Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize