My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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