He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
