I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
