I cut my penus on the lid.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
