If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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