I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize