matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
