Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
There's even glitter on my cock...
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