The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
