Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
