I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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