Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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