he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She bit a glass in half.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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