I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
