She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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