Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize