words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
