I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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