Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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