So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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