i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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