Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
