I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
