He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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